What were you thinking? Did this Shizun ever teach you to give up and seek your own death like this? If this Shizun has failed in everything else, was it not you who told me, you refused to accept fate? That you would crush it underneath your feet? Tell me, what is this! What is this crushing, if you kill yourself like this!
I have not made the wisest decisions at all times, Binghe, but surely I taught you no more about how to die than I ever taught you how to grieve!
I can't teach you what I don't know! I can't teach you what I'm learning to do just now! I didn't fucking want to teach you to grieve! So why is it you're teaching me twice now how to do exactly that?!
I hope you appreciate the courtyard garden. I didn't know where else to... I can't keep you inside. I can't sleep when you're in here. You're not a statue, and that's... I can't reach you. I don't know what else to do.
It's beautiful in the gardens. I'll find a structure for overhead. You don't need to be out in the rain, if it even rains inside the city. I don't know if it does. My robe should be enough for the night. Please excuse the poor mending. Many of the tears were too much for this Shizun to fix.
It doesn't make the nightmares end. I keep checking that you're there, and it's horrible every time you are. Every time you're fucking there and you shouldn't be you shouldn't be you fool why did you kill yourself after all this time why now why here why werent you strong enough why wasnt I
Found bamboo. Or closest approximation. It's beautiful. Flecked with light when the sun catches it. Planted it this afternoon. More coming over the next few days. Dirt seems to be embedded under my nails.
Found a covering. Lattice, some kind of glass-not-glass. If you could see, you could look right up through it. Can't see stars, since this city is strange and leveled, but the lights still shine like they remember what stars should be.
First day of the Sanguis Cycle. Once night fell over the city, Level One was bathed in a reddish light. From my research, Moonblessed appear to feel aggression, higher drives for intimacies and violence, and may expect to display features from any combination of wolves, koi, or snakes. The histories for the god says he favoured those who were swift and showed no fear. So the stories go, they all embraced bloodshed, and his realm of rock was turned red with it.
Ridiculous. Blood doesn't stay red after its been exposed to air for long enough. We both know that.
Spent time walking the beaches today. There are shells of kinds I've never imagined before, enough to make me wonder about the life below the waves. I know there are dragons in the mountains far from this city, but the ocean here feels like a more appropriate home for such creatures out of the oldest scrolls.
Met one of those affected by Sanguis. He had been made into something half-fish, half-man. Doesn't get thirsty. Fascinating. Giant koi are pretty, if impractical. I wondered if he could swim down and stand being in that salt water for longer than a true freshwater fish.
Why the hell did you kill yourself? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't! You weren't protecting anything, you were throwing everything away, and there's no excuse! Do you hear me? Binghe, my most disobedient disciple, who couldn't even come home when he'd crawled back out of hell! Why did you do it? Why were you so uselessly stubborn over something as simple as holding an offered hand?
The latticework arrived today, along with the pillows. This old man must be going senile to consider pillows for a crystal corpse, but it looked too bare on that platform otherwise. I couldn't
A proper incense burner isn't enough for observation of a spirit, but I don't know that spirits behave here like they do in our home. Be at peace, Binghe. You deserved so much more than that, but this is all I have to give now.
One should never underestimate the beauty of fingers with which to touch the world. Thumbs are one of the most inspiring aspects of our anatomy.
Hands speak without words; Sketching out silences with fingertips; Brushing against petals of the orchid in bloom; The brush painting petals, an orchid that blooms; The flower heart fading from red, colour bleeds; Until ghost-like, only white echoes remain.
Note to self, and to you, which is the same thing: do not trust the merchant at Huan Kong Jiu. He will sell you overpriced wine that is not worth the headache.
light reflects off crystal broken pieces reconnecting glinting and blinding, cutting like swords a song hummed in the blood beating as rain falls on upturned leaves in bamboo forests far beyond us now. remember those mornings where the sky hung low and the clouds swirled around our feet spreading wings like cranes soaring away under the sun's touch leaving room for gentle shadows the sounds of music dancing with the wind? there is a home there bamboo, and simple, standing vacant tidy, clean, empty. happiness was simple once. now the moon hangs heavy over night-dark eaves and the lanterns, unlit swing in the cold winds.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
The After Death Letters
27th
You're not supposed to die.
Especially not this young.
Especially not before I do.
28th
I have not made the wisest decisions at all times, Binghe, but surely I taught you no more about how to die than I ever taught you how to grieve!
28th, message unsent
29th
It's beautiful in the gardens. I'll find a structure for overhead. You don't need to be out in the rain, if it even rains inside the city. I don't know if it does. My robe should be enough for the night. Please excuse the poor mending. Many of the tears were too much for this Shizun to fix.
29th, message unsent
30th
Found a covering. Lattice, some kind of glass-not-glass. If you could see, you could look right up through it. Can't see stars, since this city is strange and leveled, but the lights still shine like they remember what stars should be.
1st, 1/2
1st, 2/2
Ridiculous. Blood doesn't stay red after its been exposed to air for long enough. We both know that.
2nd
Met one of those affected by Sanguis. He had been made into something half-fish, half-man. Doesn't get thirsty. Fascinating. Giant koi are pretty, if impractical. I wondered if he could swim down and stand being in that salt water for longer than a true freshwater fish.
3rd, 1/3
3rd, 2/3
3rd, 3/3
4th, 1/2
Will you ask again? Will you?
4th, 2/2
Just like you do.
5th, 1/2
5th, 2/2
6th
7th, 1/3
[ ooc: Today I'm a cat. I'm a cat with wings. ]
7th, 2/3
[ ooc: This is annoying. I had to use sword seals with the rental sword to leave and I am determined to light this incense for you now. ]
7th, 3/3
fdponmer
[ ooc: Done! ]
8th
Hands speak without words;
Sketching out silences with fingertips;
Brushing against petals of the orchid in bloom;
The brush painting petals, an orchid that blooms;
The flower heart fading from red, colour bleeds;
Until ghost-like, only white echoes remain.
9th
should stop with drinkingbutist a waste
pour one out foryuo
dontworry ill drink yuors to
yo can yu up no can nobb
ganbei
10th
Note to self, and to you, which is the same thing: do not trust the merchant at Huan Kong Jiu. He will sell you overpriced wine that is not worth the headache.
11th
broken pieces reconnecting
glinting and blinding, cutting like swords
a song hummed in the blood
beating as rain falls on upturned leaves
in bamboo forests far beyond us now.
remember those mornings
where the sky hung low
and the clouds swirled around our feet
spreading wings like cranes
soaring away under the sun's touch
leaving room for gentle shadows
the sounds of music
dancing with the wind?
there is a home there
bamboo, and simple, standing vacant
tidy, clean, empty.
happiness was simple once.
now the moon hangs heavy
over night-dark eaves
and the lanterns, unlit
swing in the cold winds.
12th, warning for graphic depiction of injury
13th
14th, 1/2
14th, 2/2
15th